Weekend Fun

We started out the weekend with Kevin's Birthday week celebration!  

Who brings brown rice and vegetables to Panda Express?? 

We do!

Kevin LOVES Chinese food and usually likes the authentic stuff, but we were in a hurry to see Brave so we needed a quick fix.  

When we got home, look was Nickolas was up to...

She was having kitties  (yay)

When we got Nickolas (yes, it's a she) I promised myself I wouldn't forget to spay her.

Then as I kept putting it off, I figured she wouldn't get pregnant because she always stayed on our back porch and never strayed.

Then one day I saw a black cat hanging out with her.

Then she got fat.

Then she got really fat.

Then, well, she had kitties.

And you know what happens when life gives you kitties...

You make lemonade, or, something like that.

I decided Lydia could research how to take care of kitties and make a little business out of it.  And so far it's been a great thing.  She got a book at the library and read all about the care of cats and kittens and has been at Nickolas' side every step of the way.  I've been acting like I don't know a thing about animals and she's been telling me all about what she learns.  I hope she's ready for the clean up that will ensue once the 6, I mean 4 kitties are running around.  (Sadly, the runt died and then our dog took one and thought it was a chew toy and well, you get the picture.  In her defense, she NEVER hurts animals and all the years we bred puppies she didn't lay a paw on them so we're a little perplexed as to why she did it)

In other news, I'm back to juicing!  

AH, and boy does it feel great!

My new chiropractors were teaching a juicing class and we had a discussion about smoothies vs. juicing.

One thing they said was SO INTERESTING and TRUE.

Here's the main difference between smoothies and juicing...

A smoothie is MOSTLY fruit, with a little bit of veggies.

Juicing is MOSTLY veggie, with a little bit of fruit.

It's SO TRUE.  Have you ever had a smoothie with celery, carrot, cucumber, kale, spinach and one apple?  

Yeah, I didn't think so.

It's SO much more palatable to drink the juice.

Get your fiber from the rest of your veggies and fruits of the day.

{p.s. there's really only 1 cup of water in there, but with all the veggies, it makes it look like 2 or 3}

Here's my Juicing 101 HERE & Juicing 102 HERE.

OH Happy Day!

So, I went to a new spine surgeon this week.  I was a little worried about what he would say.  I haven't had many answers and on top of that I've been researching disc replacement surgery and found some grim stuff.  Yeah, just FYI don't watch a video of the actual surgery, it's pretty gross!

So you can imagine the emotions I was feeling.  

But he had GREAT NEWS!

He said my back looked good.  Pretty good for having surgery, at least.  There was some scar tissue and arthritis but no bone spurs and no nerve compression and no disc bulges.  

He said he thinks I have a hip labral tear.  

He moved my body every which way and nothing caused the sciatica.  But then he rotated my leg in a way that would use my hip and it HURT!  A labral tear can be fixed with a simple surgery which should instantly relieve my stabbing leg pain. As he smiled and told me I would be free from pain I started to cry.  I just had all this sadness and worry built up inside of me and I couldn't help it.  I hate to cry in front of people, I don't know why but it embarrasses me.  He said he felt so bad I've had to deal with this for so long and gave me a hug, the nice guy.

Just the thought that it is NOT my back is amazing to me.  Forever I've thought and thought about how I have a bad back.  How I can't do this, I can't do that.  Every single part of my life revolves around what I can't do.  And it seemed like nothing I did could prevent the pain or even ease it.  The idea that my debilitating pain for the last 3 years has NOT been from my back is just AMAZING.  

AMAZING.

He was so confident this is the cause and said it is easily missed by spine surgeons.  They, like me, always assume it's coming from the back.  I still need to get an MRI of my hip with a nice injection of dye into the hip joint which should be awesome.  After that I'm headed to the Orthopedic Surgeon to see what he says.  I am just praying praying it confirms the tear.  

WHAT A BLESSING!  

I came home yesterday just SO grateful.  The kids kept asking why I was crying and I just couldn't even explain because I kept thinking how this would completely change my whole life.  

I wouldn't hobble around anymore.

I could get strong and actually exercise.

I could walk more than a 1/2 mile.

I could sit more than 30 min.

I could take care of my family.

That we could adopt.

Words CANNOT express how grateful I am.  Everyone else told me to live with it.  And this doctor gave me hope.  Monday is my MRI and Wednesday is my appt with the surgeon.  

Wish me luck!

In other news....

Something happened to "Fatty" the chicken.  We are guessing she got trampled by one of our animals.  She could barely move and was having a hard time breathing.  

Time for Kevin and his shovel...

Lydia did cry, but not because Fatty was dying, but because we didn't let her watch Kevin chop Fatty's head off.  We're such mean parents.

Just us hangin' out.

WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE A BREAK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE AND SPEND TIME OUTSIDE WITH YOUR KID.

First be sure to get some homemade ice cream going.  The lid on this thing would NOT stay on, but no worries, I've got a Kevin to fix that.

"Hey Mom, let me show you something.  Every time I sit right here on the canal, the baby goats come up and fix my hair, and fix my clothes and get me ready for the ball."

"Sometimes they get a little annoying!"

"Hey Mom, this is my favorite spot to lay and swing and think about life."

"Hey Mom, take a picture of us!  Do we look alike?  That's okay we don't look alike.  Maybe we have the same lips at least?"

"Hey Mom, this treehouse is too BOY.  We need to make it more GIRL."

 "Hey Mom, this is the BEST ice cream ever.  Even though it's goat ice cream."

How to make a Clock out of Pallet Wood (DaNelle style)

 Step 1 - Get a pallet.  Rip all the boards off while you curse 50 times.  And by "curse", I mean say "mother!" and that's it.
Step 2 - Trace a circle on the boards then cut with a scroll saw.  Feel awesome that you know how to cut with a scroll saw.
Step 3 - Make stencil letters with your vinyl machine, then lightly paint the letters so it looks vintage.  Feel awesome because it looks awesome and vintage.

 Step 4 - Use your mother-in-law's router to make a place for the clock mechanism to go.  Then go back and do it 2 more times(explanation below).
Step 5 - Stick the pieces in that circle frame your grandma got you 2 years ago but then get confused as to how you'll keep it in, then just give up and staple the heck out of it.

Step 5 - Then just to be sure it stays in, hot glue all around the edges, muttering to yourself that it doesn't matter how it looks on the back.  Because it doesn't.  It really doesn't.

 Step 6 - Go to Michael's to buy big clock hands.  Go to another Michael's.  Go to Hobby Lobby.  Only find small hands.  Look online.  Buy online.  Wait for the clock mechanism and hands to come in the mail.
Step 7 - Put the hands on!  Get really excited because it looks awesome and you actually finished a project!
Step 8 - Get less excited when you see the time is slow.  Get pissed when you wake up the next morning and it's way slow.
Step 9 - Call the clock company, exchange for a new clock mechanism and hands.
Step 10 - Get a new mechanism and hands.  Put them on.  Be cautious about getting excited.  Check back 2 hours later only to see it's slow AGAIN.  Say "mother!" a couple times.
Step 11 - Go to mother-in-law's and router a couple more times.
Step 12 - Still slow.  Go into a clock depression.  Ignore the clock for 3 months.  When you look at it, feel numb inside.  Have people over and see the confused look on their faces when they look at it.  Don't explain anything, they wouldn't understand anyway.  Don't care if it says the wrong time because at least it looks vintage and cool.
Step 13 - One day look at it, see the wrong time again, and say "mother!".  Get mad and call the clock company ready to speak to a manager.  Talk to a nice nice lady and realize together than you have been ordering and reordering a "military time" clock piece.  Laugh out loud.  Spend 3.5 seconds trying to figure out how a military clock piece would even work.  Realize that's too hard.  Be happy that your new clock piece will totally work now!
Step 14 - Be SO excited when you get the new clock mechanism in the mail!  Run and put it on your clock and be SO excited when it is NOT SLOW!  Look at the clock every day, multiple times a day and be SO thankful for the correct time.  Ahhhh, it's the simple things, isn't it?

Step 15 - Forget about being a moron because you don't understand clock mechanisms and instead feel AWESOMESPICE because you have one cool-lookin' clock.  THE END.

Dancing and Skipping to the Surgeon

I went to the surgeon and he was.......

absolutely no help at all.

He said he doesn't think I have any bone spurs at all and there is nothing on the ex-rays and I should happily skip off into the sunset .

Good news, huh?!

NOT!

Because for some reason everybody else that reads the ex-rays, sees bone spurs sooooooo yeah.

So I am off next week to get a second opinion and I'll do a third if I have to.  Because some 'in is messed up all in heyah, people and I'm not kidding.   

I probably shouldn't have even gone to this surgeon anyway because after my second surgery I had that bad spinal headache and HIS colleague said it could have been caused by a bone spur that the surgeon had forgotten to clean out.  Oh doctors, how I loath thee.  And by thee I mean no respect.  Cause it's awfully hard to respect people who make you wait an hour, then see you for 10 minutes, then charge your insurance $300.

Does anybody else think THAT'S KIND OF INSANE?

Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive and I came across these pictures of my Lydia.  She took a dance class through the local Parks & Rec department. 

 (YES, the very same class that I may or may not have tried to save money on tap shoes by hot gluing pennies to the bottom of some old shoes and then when she tried to tap, all the pennies splattered all over the dance floor and I may or may not have completely embarrassed my daughter for which she will never forgive me.  In my defense, I may or may not have found the idea on Pinterest.)

Stretching before the BIG SHOW!  (In the end, they didn't even dance the performance in tap shoes
so I could have avoided the whole fiasco anyway!  SHEESH)

                 

Aw, shoot, she turned right before I took the picture.  Still, I would say she's definitely the cutest.

 Afterwards, we went to Walmart with Grandma Scilla to get Ethan a B-DAY present and this is what she wanted to wear.  Well, girl, more power to ya'!  It's scary how much she's like her Auntie Angie.  Scary. I feel the weirdness is strong in this one.

Then we went to Charleston's and ate their delicious house salads with a croissant and clam chowder.  SO DELICIOUS I can't even say.

After that we got some coconut milk ice cream and made some sundaes.  Pretty tasty!

Infertile....yet NOT

Since becoming certified to adopt, my choice of reading has naturally been drawn to stories of adoption.  Usually, along with those stories are ones full of heartbreaking infertility.  I find myself feeling a bit lost in the shuffle of hopeful adoptive parents.  You see, I'm not infertile.  

But I'm not really allowed to get pregnant.  We have two biological children and I physically could get pregnant.  But, then again I can't.  My poor back & discs couldn't handle it and even if I really wanted to, the effects of a full-term pregnancy would be devastating.  

In fact, just in my normal, everyday life, my back is already debilitating. 

I have SO MUCH respect for those who struggle with infertility.  People with infertility have to give up all control in starting their family.  They wait for their miracle, and in the meantime they have to come to terms with never getting pregnant, all the while everybody else around them seeming to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

When we began our certification, our caseworker wanted to make sure I had come to terms with not being able to get pregnant.  Of my "infertility".  But I really wasn't infertile.  My depression and sadness didn't come from never being able to get pregnant again.  My depression came from the realization that maybe I can't even take care of another child.  That maybe I'm totally kidding myself here.    

I love my children.  If you're a mom, you can understand the lump that forms in your throat when you think of how blessed you are to have them.  I am SO SO grateful that I felt so strongly I should quit nursing school all those years ago and start a family.  It seemed crazy to work so hard and then stop, but I knew it was the right thing to do.  And I'm glad I did.  I was able to have my two adorable stinkers before it was too late.

Kevin and I BOTH feel SO STRONGLY another child is meant to come to our family.  But, he has more faith than me.  Part of me has this yearning for another child and I can see a glimpse into the future of that raising that little one and me looking back and being so grateful we made the decision to adopt.  But part of me wants to be realistic about my abilities and accept what is.

Since we really didn't know if we'd EVER get chosen by a birth mother, this past year has been a pretty relaxed one of waiting and I've been okay with that because I felt I had time to try to get better and as healthy as I can.  And I did.  I've worked really hard.

But with foster care, it's so different.  Here we are, ready to foster and adopt, with SO MANY kids just waiting to come to a good family like ours, with our hearts ready to pour out love, but still feeling incapable.

If I'm being completely honest, I have more bad days than good.  

It's right at our fingertips, yet I can't grasp it yet because I'm still hanging on to the edge of a hope for better health with one hand and my two kids with the other.  

It could all turn around.  I COULD get better, another surgery may help and I could be pain free and become strong.  But, it also could not.  

And as I read all these stories of adoption and the struggle with infertility I just think, "But at least you can physically take care of a child.  Even though it may not happen right away, even though it may be a long hard road, at least you can still function as a mother if given the chance."

I don't want to be insensitive here to people struggling with infertility. In fact, I could see their side which would probably be, "Hey, you have two kids!  Be happy!".  And it's true.  And I am happy with these two little stinkers.  But it sure is difficult to WANT to open your heart to children in need and 

yet not feel CAPABLE to do it.

You're not going to believe this but as I'm writing this tonight we just got a call about an emergency placement for a baby.  My heart is so sad as I say no because I am still in the middle of a flare-up and I simply can't do it right now.  The unpredictability of my back is the worst part.  

But just like those who struggle with infertility have hope, I know I need to have hope too.  Sometimes things can seem so impossible and yet can turn into a beautiful miracle.  I guess I will just keep trying.  I am grateful for all the options that modern medicine affords.  I can't give up just yet.  And just maybe, I'll come out on the other side of this with my miracle, whatever that may be.

My Back's Back Story

I think I'm well overdue for some self-pity.
 Poor, poor me.

And my poor back.

I've tried to stay positive but I've had it!

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

{August 2002} - Newly married & in Nursing School, woke up one morning CROOKED, bent to the left.  I didn't know what the heck was wrong but it made me a believer in chiropractors because one adjustment and I was straight again.

{August 2002 - 2 weeks later} - Found out I was pregnant with little Ethan bee-than - Not one sniff of back pain for the entire pregnancy.

{May 2003} - Gave birth to little Ethan - (water broke, epidural, 4 hours later, out came Ethan) - BUT, when I pushed him out I felt a huge pop/tear in my back. 

{June 2003-July 2004} - Back pain when I would try to "run".  By "run", I mean half jog/ half walk on the treadmill until I reached a mile.  Begin regular chiropractic adjustments with Dr. Wooden and yoga with myself. Helped a little, but could never hold an adjustment for longer than a week.

{July 2004} - Found out I was pregnant with Lydia - Immediately back pain goes away again and I get to have 9  awesomespice months of freedom.

{April 2005} - Gave birth to itty bitty Liddy - (water broke, epidural, 2 hours later, out came Lydia) - No probs with anything, no pain.

{May 2005 - November 2005} Low back pain again everytime I tried to exercise.  Got a referral for Physical Therapy.  Went 2 times a week for 6 months.  No change, just more pain.

{January 2006 - July 2007} Learned to deal with it.  Also went to a quack guy, Max VanOrman who was not a doctor, but he would put you in a machine and rip & stretch your back Medieval Style.  This was seriously the most painful thing ever and supposedly was meant to break up scar tissue but it didn't do anything.  Did more physical therapy, more yoga, at this point I was more concerned with my dizziness and went to A LOT of doctors for that.

{August 2007} Back is killing me, got a lot of flare ups where I am walking crooked and out for a week at at time.  Went to a Pain Specialist.  Had 2 epidural injections to knock out the inflammation.  Lasted a week.  

{October 2007} Went to Dr. Field to consider surgery.  Basically I had two disc bulges and one tear.  I had the choice of a discectomy(cut away the bulge) or disc replacement.  I chose discectomy.  (The worst thing of my life is when they did a discogram. READ HERE. HORRIBLE.The surgery went great READ HERE.  And I felt relief of my pain instantly!

{June 2009} Roughly a year and a half after surgery I started to have wicked leg pain.  Shooting down my legs was even worse than my previous back pain.  Yes, it can always get worse.  I go to Dr. Biggs(chiropractor) to try to fix things naturally.  I do decompression therapy, and it doesn't help.  I get an MRI and all they see is a small bulge and of course some degeneration on 2 disc levels.  Degeneration means smaller disc, smaller disc means smaller space for the nerves.  

{October 2009} I go back to Dr. Field(surgeon) and we discuss surgery again.  From my experience, the previous disc surgery was awesome, so I said, let's do it again!  He said, okay lady and off we went skipping to the operating room.

{November 2009}  Surgery was NOT a success.  A nerve was damaged on my right side leaving half of my right leg numb when I touch it, yet I can still feel nerve pain.  I also have a spinal headache and have to go back in for a blood patch.  READ HERE.

{January 2010 - July 2010}  Leg pain worse, at this point I don't know what do to.

{July 2010 - December 2010}  Went to Dr. Dever (chiropractor) by far the weirdest one yet.  He uses a little noisy squeeky thing and uses he hands and hovers over your body and "fixes" it.  I know, I know.  But at this point I was willing to try ANYTHING.  He didn't help at all and tried to convince me I was causing my pain by thinking negative thoughts.

{January 2011}  I swear off all doctors and I just hunker down and spend my days crying and trying to just live with it.  Probably made it worse according to Dr. Dever. I did see my cousin's husband who was a chiropractor a little, but they moved and so I stayed in my "no doctors" zone.

{July 2011-March 2012}  Somebody recommended Dr. Bernard, a chiropractor.  I went in VERY skeptical and depressed.  He was JUST what I needed.  He wasn't telling me I would be cured.  He didn't give me false hope.  He didn't tell me to come in fifty million times and then if I wasn't better, I needed to come in fifty million more to be cured.  He was a total realist and I needed that.  He knew EXACTLY what was causing my pain.  EXACTLY.  He knew which muscle was connected to which nerve and what to do to help me.  The only problem is, he knew I still might need another surgery.  In fact, the main problem is I need another surgery not because I have a bad back, but BECAUSE of my previous surgeries.  See, once you cut on a disc, you instantly reduce the space between vertebre and then that reduces space for nerves.  My story is one that is repeated again and again and again. 

Also, from him I found out I had a shorter leg.  After an adjustment, my legs became balanced, but the very next day it would be shorter again.  Here was his theory on why my disc's degenerated & bulged in the first place:

For most of my life, I have been walking around with a slightly shorter leg.  After years of this, my discs started wearing down, much like a car out of alignment's wheels wearing down.  This led to weak discs, which let to bulges, which led me to surgery, which led to smaller disc space, scar tissue, bone spurs and subsequent nerve compression. 
 He put a lift in my shoe and I felt a lot of relief, but I still continued to get some flare ups and it didn't feel right to just accept my back always being out and wear a shoe lift the rest of my life.

{April 2012} I was at the Freestone Rec Center one day waiting for Lydia to be done with her dance class. Gilbert was having a "Get Out" celebration with free smoothies and health flyers and such.  I noticed a chiropractor doing free scans.  I totally did not want to go over there, I mean I had seen enough chiropractors but I was bored so I walked over and told them to give me their scan.  "Had I ever seen a chiropractor?", they asked.  Hrmph.  "Of course". I said.
 I could probably BE a chiropractor with how much I know.
 They were nice and did the little scan and told me some stuff about my atlas and how if that gets out it messes the whole body up.  All I heard was blah, blah, blah, a million visits.  Then he peaked my interest when he said they saw a lot of people with vertigo and dizziness.  What?  That's what I have.  How do you fix it?  Can you fix me?  I used the coupon they gave me to get a free first exam the next week.  My first visit was annoying because they made me watch all these videos about how chiropractic care was so important and I was SO over it.
But then the little video said one thing.  

It said that if your Atlas is out(the very top bone in your spine) it will follow down your spine until you develop a shorter leg, then your discs will wear down and you will get degenerative disc disease.  HEY!  That's me!  I was here for my dizziness and they just explained my whole lower back history in 1 min.  So I started to go to them and get my Atlas adjusted.  It's where they put your head in this machine and tap on that bone.  And do you know what the weird thing is?  After that little tap, my legs were both normal length.  Balanced.  And do you know what else?  After a couple visits, they stayed that way.  I didn't get out again.  I didn't need my lift.  I continued to go back and my atlas has mostly been in.  A couple times it went out again and I could tell too, because I would get dizzy.
Wouldn't be awesome if both of my issues were actually connected?
 Holy cow, how awesome would it be if a little tap on my atlas would fix my dizziness AND low back.  Well, at this point I am still working on both.  I have been feeling less dizzy, but those nerves have been compressed in my atlas for a while now so I am patiently trying to heal my dizziness completely and I plan to do some physical therapy to train my vestibular system to work correctly.

And my low back/leg pain?  Well, here's the problem.  Even though I don't need the lift in my shoe and my legs are balanced, I still don't have room for those nerves.  In the exrays, you can see the teeny tiny space for those nerves.  They say it only takes the weight of a dime on the nerve to cause inflammation.  Oh I'll probably be fine as long as I don't ever SIT, but who can live like that?

SO.....yes I am visiting the surgeon next week yet again, and we shall see what he says.  At this point, Dr. Arter(chiropractor at my current place) thinks he may do a mini surgery and clean up all the bone spurs and scar tissue and create more room for those nerves.....OR....maybe he'll recommend a double disc replacement at which point I'll collapse into a heap at the thought of it.  

Scary.

Like "THEY GO THROUGH YOUR STOMACH to do the surgery" scary.

I've learned a lot from my back story.

• I TOTALLY believe in chiropractors, the only thing is, there are SO MANY different methods and if you don't feel better within 6 weeks, try another method because it really can work.  
• Surgery can ruin a lot and can make you just need more surgeries.  You think your pain is bad?  Well, it can always get worse.  So be careful in the surgery department.

I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to hope that I will get better and be able to live pain free.  I REALLY hope so.  I want to get better, I NEED to get better.  We really want to continue our family and I am so ready to be on the OTHER SIDE of this.
I don't mind having adversity in my life, I just want to be done with this one.

Summer means Cabin Fun!

We were able to take a quick trip to the cabin last weekend.  I made some more "poptarts" from the recipe posted on the blog HERE, but they were so rich so this time I used this recipe HERE for the crust.  It's much healthier.  In the green tupperware were some carob brownies I tried to make but they were way too sweet.  

In an effort to use up all our goat's milk we hurried and made some homemade strawberry ice cream.  It was the PERFECT treat for the ride up to Strawberry.

Kevin really wanted to stop by the Early Bird Cafe on the way up to eat dinner.  It was their all-you-can-eat Fish Fry special and Kevin sure got his fill.  The kids ate clam chowder and I had a Shrimp platter.  We are seafood people in our family, can you tell?  I still don't think this place even compares to HB's place!  Now THAT is the best food in Strawberry!

Driving through the small town of Pine on our way to Strawberry.

Ahhh, Cabin sweet Cabin!

We saw many critters this weekend.  Here's some scary-looking lizard with an even scarier tail.

Lydia found a caterpillar, and named it Miller.

Ethan and Grandpa playing a serious game of chess.

It's really hard to swing when it's surrounded by foxtail weeds :(

The "hideaway".

One pretty flower amongst the weeds.

Poor grasshopper hangin' on for dear life.

I've been wanting to visit the Fossil Creek Creamery for some time now because they have a million goats and make cheese and all.  Lydia was mesmerized by those huge llamas.

This one was BY FAR the ugliest.  That's probably why it had it's own pen.

Hey, they milk their goats by machine!  NO fair!  They were pretty impressed that we milk by hand.

Lydia just chattin' about goats and such with the grandaughter of the owners there.

Miller the Caterpillar.  And guess what?  The very next day she built herself a cocoon!  Can't wait to see the change!

Seriously THE BEST Pizza.

(do you see the goat milk fudge sign? hilarious!)

Mmmmmm....ooey gooey Pizza!

Pine is such a cute little town with a ton of shops!

Grandma and Lydia checking out the ravine next to the Cabin.

Playing some air hockey in the game room.  Then we heard a little scuffle, what could it be?

YIKES!  A mouse!  They ended up finding 3 more!